And nothing of value was lost
by Bookjunk
Summary: Beware: I'm not a FSoG fan. Ted makes an announcement at one of Christian's family dinner parties.


**And nothing of value was lost**

'Ah, Teddy. There you are,' Christian said.

'Toddlers are named Teddy. I'm a grown man. Call me Ted or Theodore.'

Christian chuckled.

'Alright, Teddy,' he replied. Ted gritted his teeth. Phoebe made a face, as if to say, _ignore him _or maybe even _don't murder him in front of witnesses_. Their father was forever calling her Phoebes, so she understood. Ted followed her into the dining room. As usual, everyone was seated according to Christian's wishes, which meant that Kate sat farthest away from Christian. Not that she minded. That was the beauty of Kate: she did not give a fuck. That was probably the reason Ava never came to these evenings. Ava had zero interest in them and Kate didn't care that it annoyed Christian when her daughter wasn't present.

The fancy china and the silverware were on display. No chipped plates or slightly scuffed cutlery for the amazing Greys! They could never just eat. Everything always had to be a production. Ted exchanged a look with his uncle Elliot. Elliot didn't enjoy these evenings either. Aside from the fact that he was not a fan of haute cuisine, Elliot really didn't like having to listen to the story about the one time he'd accidentally dropped some overpriced soup bowl.

These evenings weren't meant to be fun or relaxing, though. They were specifically designed to showcase the opulence and absolute perfection of Christian Grey's family. Oh, Christian would naturally deny it if someone described his family dinners in those terms, but they all knew better.

By the looks of it, Kate and Elliot were well on their way to getting wasted. Ted didn't blame them. If you weren't an alcoholic already – and being a Grey meant that there was about a 99 percent chance that you were – these damn evenings would make you one. Or, at least, wish that you were. Sweet oblivion!

Ted drank a little to steady his nerves. This was to be _the_ night. He looked at his family. At his grandmother and grandfather, his uncles and aunts, his mother and father. Taylor, also practically family - though Ted doubted that Christian would ever treat him as such - was standing by the door. Trusty Taylor; always on guard. Ted swallowed.

Phoebe, probably noticing his apprehension, took his hand into her own under the table and squeezed it gently. He had told her first and she had been wonderful. Supportive. Compassionate. As he had known she would be. She was the best sister a man could hope for.

The courses were served and taken away again in rapid succession. Dessert was presented, eaten, dirty plates were removed and still Ted did not say anything. It was fear. Fear and the realisation that his father was not in a good mood. Ted suspected that it was the staff. The female staff in particular. For years, they had flirted with Christian, but recently they had started to flutter their eyelashes at Ted. The funny thing was that none of the women stood a chance with him, but Christian didn't know that. If Ted had to venture a guess, he'd say that the staff's transferral of attention from the father to the son – the heir to the Grey fortune – irritated Christian enormously.

Unable to bear the tension any longer, Ted got to his feet.

'I have an announcement to make,' he said. He smiled down at the table to hide his anxiety. Phoebe beamed back at him.

'I'm gay,' Ted revealed. Christian set his glass down with such violence that his stupid pink champagne sloshed onto the undoubtedly expensive table cloth. That's gonna leave a stain, Ted thought.

'You're not gay. What gave you that absurd idea?' Christian snapped. That total dismissal of Ted's words, of his feelings, of_ him_ in effect, really pissed Ted off.

'I like to stick my dick in guys. That seems plenty gay to me,' Ted replied. The brief silence that followed was punctuated by his mother's horrified gasp. Then Elliot burst out laughing, as did Kate and Mia. Taylor looked mildly amused. Carrick and Grace smiled indulgently. Ethan appeared bewildered. Christian glowered.

'This is neither the time nor the place, Teddy,' he warned softly. It was his menacing voice. Ted knew it well. However, he would not be intimidated. Not this time. Not tonight.

'My name is not Teddy. I have told you repeatedly that I hate it when you call me that. But, by all means, keep doing whatever the hell you want. You always do,' Ted concluded.

'I'd like to speak to you in private,' Christian gritted out, standing up. In response, Ted sat back down.

'You mean, you'd like to bully me into being something I'm not. That won't work this time, but if you want to give it a try anyway, you're going to have to do it right here,' Ted invited. In front of all these people, he thought. After taking stock of the situation, Christian also sat back down, obviously reluctantly.

'The security detail assigned to you did report that you are regularly accompanied by men, but naturally I assumed that these men were merely your friends. Nonetheless, I had them vetted by Taylor,' Christian explained. Ted glanced at Taylor. Taylor looked super uncomfortable. Ted sighed. It wasn't Taylor's fault. He needed this job. Furthermore, Ted doubted that Christian would just let Taylor go.

'You had me followed without my knowledge or permission?' Ted summarised. 'You ran background checks on my friends? Unbelievable. Well, actually, this is exactly the sort of paranoid, controlling bullshit I've come to expect from you.'

'Your father is simply watching over you,' Ana protested. She was forever standing by her man and defending his behaviour. It was exhausting to watch. Ted couldn't even imagine what it was like to live it. Despite pitying his mother, Ted yelled at her.

'No, mom, he's _watching_ me. That's not normal!'

'I have enemies…' Christian began.

'Yeah, you do,' Ted interrupted. 'I don't, though. And no one knows that we're related. I go by mom's maiden name. I don't flaunt my wealth like you do. There's no reason for anyone to think that it would be lucrative to kidnap or harm me. Unless a team of guys with ear pieces and sunglasses is constantly skulking around in my vicinity.'

'That's… That makes sense, Christian,' Ana whispered, flushing in the process. Carrick and Grace agreed. Christian didn't say anything. He just glared. Probably still upset about me not using his last name, Ted reasoned.

'Nothing you say or do is going to change me, dad. You can't make me not gay. Even if I never had sex with a guy, which, by the way, too late, I would still be gay. I am gay. Get used to it,' Ted concluded, defiantly. His father looked as if he was about to explode. Veins were showing. His face was slowly turning red.

'Here comes the tantrum,' Phoebe muttered. Christian clutched his chest. It was a theatrical gesture.

'Drama queen,' Elliot fake coughed.

'Attention whore,' Kate added, not even bothering to cough. She and Elliot erupted into giggles. Christian's fist pounded impotently against his own chest. He tried to speak and failed. Ana stood up. Her chair clattered to the floor.

'Someone do something!' she cried. 'I think he's having a heart attack!'

'Of course not. You need a heart for that, silly,' Kate pointed out, calmly sipping her champagne. Christian wheezed. Unperturbed, Mia turned towards Carrick.

'Didn't he use to do something similar as a kid?' she asked her father. Carrick nodded.

'Well, back then he pretended to go catatonic. Very entertaining. He was quite the little actor, right, Grace?' Carrick reminisced. Grace smiled. By now, Christian's face was turning purple. It is really amazing, Ted thought; the lengths the guy will go to in order to get his way.

'Grace, help him! You're a doctor!' Ana pleaded.

'I'm a paediatrician, dear. He_ is_ behaving like a five year old, so I guess that would be appropriate,' Grace joked. Carrick chuckled. Grace patted Ana's trembling hands.

'Usually, you simply have to wait him out,' Grace explained. 'He has to accept reality eventually. It may take a while, though. Christian, honey? Nothing you do will make your son any less gay.'

Christian didn't respond. He had stopped beating his chest. The colour draining from his face, Christin slumped in his chair, gasping and wheezing dramatically. No one reacted to his antics. Mockery presumably didn't count. Grace addressed Ted.

'Tell me, Ted, are you dating anyone? I would love to meet him, if you are.'

Ted shook his head while Kate and Elliot kissed. Phoebe and Grace began to discuss a new book they both liked. Carrick checked his watch. Mia scrutinised her nails. Christian's breathing slowed and ceased and still absolutely no one, except Ana, paid the least bit attention to him. Wait, Ted thought. That wasn't right. Ethan had vacated his chair too and was taking Christian's pulse.

'I don't feel anything,' Ethan stammered. The table fell silent. Ethan stared at them. They stared back.

'He has no pulse. Do you hear what I'm saying? He's dead! Someone call an ambulance! Does someone know CPR?' Ethan shouted. Ana started to cry hysterically. No one else moved. It wasn't shock. At least, for Ted it wasn't. It was relief. He immediately felt guilty about that, but, yes, he felt relieved. No more tyranny. No more forced family dinners. No more surveillance. He could see the relief on the faces of the others too.

We were all just tolerating him and his bullshit, Ted suddenly realised. And now the sun wouldn't rise and set with Christian Grey's opinion or approval anymore. He was no longer the master of their universe. It was a thrilling realisation. A freeing one.

'You're all nuts!' Ethan exclaimed, finally digging his cell out of his pocket and calling 911. A loud pop interrupted his phone call. Kate had opened another bottle of champagne. Wobbly, she got to her feet and helped everyone who held out his or her glass. Ana, blinking and looking confused, automatically held out hers too. I bet that once the initial scare has worn off, she will come to realise what Christian's death really means, Ted hoped. Taylor borrowed Christian's glass for the occasion. Kate poured generously. When everyone's glass was filled - even Ethan had joined in now, giving up on saving what didn't deserve to be saved – Kate raised her glass for a toast.

'And nothing of value was lost,' she slurred. Everyone clinked their glasses together and drank to that.

The end.

(***)

Author's note:

Several commenters on my previous FSoG stories have expressed that they are either baffled or offended that someone who is not a fan of FSoG is writing FSoG fanfiction.

To those who are offended: I will continue to write what I like to write, regardless of your outrage.

To those who are baffled: Let's start at the beginning. Why did I read the books? If I don't like them, I simply shouldn't read them, right? This is such a weird argument to me, because how am I supposed to know that I don't like the books when I haven't read them?

So, I read the FSoG books and I didn't like them. I think the books are extremely badly written. I think Ana and Christian's relationship is abusive. I think that Christian is arrogant and manipulative. I think that Ana is snotty and stupid. Yet, I'm writing FSoG fanfiction. Why?

First of all, I like to write fanfiction. Canon can be fun, but it's limited. I like to write about things I would have liked to have seen happen in canon. That is why Christian almost always dies in my stories. It's my way of 'fixing' FSoG.

Secondly, the majority of people who read FSoG fanfiction may be fans, but there are also plenty of people who (like me) didn't exactly love the books and are looking for some snark. For my and their enjoyment, I provide them with that snark.

Thirdly, I am amazed by your bafflement. I write 'Beware: I'm not a FSoG fan' in the summary of all my FSoG stories. Therefore, before reading the story, you already know that I am not a fan. You also know that you should 'beware,' which to any functioning literate would read like a warning that I will, at the very least, be critical of a work of fiction and/or fictional characters that you like.

See, when I picked up FSoG, I expected an erotic love story, because that's how the book is marketed. What I got instead was a crappily written depiction of two insufferable idiots in an abusive relationship. You, on the other hand, knew what to expect when you clicked on my story. It's very hard for me to take you seriously when you then proceed to complain in a review that I should not be writing FSoG fanfiction because I'm not a fan. You were informed beforehand and you chose to read my story anyway. You only have yourself to blame for your disappointment.


End file.
